Boardwalk Diaries

I'm in New York, I got here over the weekend and I will be here for the next couple of months. This is a personal trip but it's not purely leisure. I still need to attend to all my responsibilities at work, and spend at least 8 hours online for work. But it's the little price to pay to be able to come to New York without using up all my vacation leave credits. 

I haven't gone around the city yet, I've only been to Queens ever since I got here. Landed at JFK, which is in Queens, and stayed at Rockaway Park which is still a part of Queens. But I planned on painting the city red this weekend with a childhood friend from my hometown who's flying in from Hawaii.

Anyways, I plan on taking her to all the overrated,touristy places that I've been to when I was here last year. We planned to play it Gossip Girl style (S&B for the win!), let's see how that will pan out. Good luck to us. Especially now that the weather is kind of bipolar. All sunny for the first half of the day, then raining the entire second half.

So, these past few days I took up a habit of running on the boardwalk after working. Not only the view is refreshing, but it's also healthy for me. Since I don't commute to work nowadays and I only work on my bed/couch.

The boardwalk is very long, I haven't gotten to both ends yet. But I promised myself, that I will before my New York stint is over.

For now I'm just contented on running 20 blocks and back, and sit at one of the benches when I get tired. And when I was sitting on one of those benches, there are just a few things that I got to ask myself.

Is what I am doing right now reflecting the life I want?

Yes, all things considered I think I am doing those things. I get the chance to travel and work at the same time. And I think I spend time with the persons that really matters most to me.

Am I trying to force something to work that will truly never satisfy me?

I think I was, I was so caught up in this idea of me and this person. And later did I realize that this was just all my idea, not his nor ours. So, needless to say that there was never a future for my daydream. All it was was a daydream, a fantasy that will only live in my head. But now, I can say that I am no longer forcing things to work out, if it's not meant to happen, then so be it. 

Am I being honest with myself about my reality?

Yes, I know that I am no way near the perfect life I curated in my head. But I also know that I am getting there, but I still need to work harder for it. And boy working hard is tough. They don't call it that for nothing.

Do I actually like where and who I am?

I love where I am! And honestly, I am loving the person I am becoming. I am no longer calculating my every move, and I just enjoy myself along the way. I must say, I am more carefree these days, but will never be careless (I hope).

I am exhausted on having to think about these thoughts. Got to start running again...

Zdravo Zagreb!

I always wanted to visit Croatia since I've watched a season of Amazing Race (about 10 years ago) where one of their pit stops was in Dubrovnik, Croatia. Initially, my friends and I planned on going to Dubrovnik from Budapest but since it's going to be a very long trip and we wanted to maximize our weekend so we ended up going to Zagreb.

Zagreb is the country's capital, and is the largest city of Croatia. And the city is very rich in culture and history. If going by car you'll get to Zagreb from Budapest for about six hours. Unfortunately, we don't have a car, so we took the other option which is the FlixBus. It took us almost 10 hours as there was no direct trips to Zagreb on Fridays. We had to change buses in Maribor, Slovenia and had to wait for three hours. Flixbus is very comfortable and on time, as always. We only had delays because of two border controls: Slovenian border and another one when you've reached the Croatian border. It's not an issue if you are an EU citizen, but if you're not you have to endure the long waiting queues and double that for both borders.

The bus station in Maribor, Slovenia

We reached Zagreb at around 9 in the morning. It was very gloomy and cold, very different from the sunny Croatia that our workmates have been raving about a week before. I wasn't prepared for the rain and winds because I was stupid enough not to check the weather before we left Hungary. 

There are lots to see in Zagreb but we only had 24 hours to explore the city. We only managed to go to the top touristy sites of the city.

Gornji Grad–Medveščak

Cathedral of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Gornji Grad–Medveščak

Gornji Grad–Medveščak

St. Mark's Church

St. Catherine of Alexandria Church

Gornji Grad–Medveščak

Gornji Grad–Medveščak

Fresh Start

For the last three years I only had my sights on you. And I'm not quite sure why I did it, when clearly I was just a moment's glimpse for you. We were both like this Katy Perry song; Hot n Cold. Rarely on the same side, and always in contrast. We had our shares of ups and downs, and mostly it was just me trying to hold on to you, to us. 

It took me some time to realize that after all these times, "there was never an us". And I kept on fighting for something that was never mine to begin with. Fast forward to now, I have learned to value myself more over other people, over you. And now I am beginning to see the world in a new perspective, where there is no you and just me. At first it seemed strange and scary, but little by little I have learned to adjust. There is so much to see and do in this world. Ironically, I've learned that if I focused on myself more, I would get a 360 degrees view of what life can be.

Recently, I went out to meet with people I barely knew. It was a risk, but I did it. I want to get to know people who would want to get to know me too. And for the first time, I've opened my self again to others and it felt good, it felt right, it felt liberating.

I know it won't be easy in the coming days, when all the dust will settle. But I know that I can do it, and I can have a fresh start. But for now, I will focus on the good and forget about the bad. It always pays to be positive about life no matter what. 

Repost!

I read this article off ThoughtCatalog.com and this just sums me up.

If You Take A Chance On Me, I Will Love You Like You Have Never Been Loved Before

By Alison Malee

If you are considering loving me, you should know.

Loving me is anger (sometimes misdirected) and too large to be carry on baggage. Equal parts stubbornness and naivety. Silence when the words leave me, and too many thoughts first thing in the morning. Loving me is pasta for dinner more often than I care to admit. Clothes on the floor, a million tabs open on the computer, coffee at all hours of the day. Loving me is loving my friends, and their loudness, and our inside jokes that might not ever make sense to you. Loving me is mood swings, and sometimes arguing about things that don’t really matter. Loving me is a thousand miles per hour, or not at all. Loving me is chaos, messy. Cold rooms and apologies. Loving me is the click of the clock and the uncertainty that comes with not knowing what each second could bring.

But loving me is also joy. Bright abundance. Creativity. Silence when you need time to breathe, and listening ears when you need someone to talk to. Loving me is stubbornness, but that means I will always stick up for you. That means you will always know which side I’m on. That means I will always be on your side. Loving me is flourish and poetry and words that mean love in a million different languages. Loving me is encouragement, loyalty, friendship. It is persistence, and drive, and a heart that is willing to swim in the depths of every ocean for you. Loving me is coming with me while I chase my dreams and knowing I’ll be right there when you are chasing yours.

I say all of this, because I want you to know that loving me won’t always be easy.

The entirety of me is not easily swallowed. I am a jigsaw, a complexity, a meal with endless courses. That is to say, I need a lover who loves hard. A lover who loves wholly, who embraces my flaws and cherishes my shortcomings as well as my strengths.

I am not looking to be loved in pieces. A fragmented love never made for a love that could move mountains, anyway.

As Good as Reality TV

The MT3 (Manila Team 3) at Plaza San Marco, Venice, Italy

The past two months I’ve yet another opportunity to travel to Europe. This time with six more people. This isn’t Big Brother, but it might have been for all we know. We were a bunch of new hires for a startup company that were sent to Europe for a two-month training. We were basically strangers, we’ve only met each other twice at the embassy: when we applied, and the time we got our Schengen visas.

We were whisked to Europe (yes, whisked, because my first day with the company was the day of my flight), in Budapest to be exact and stayed together in the same apartment complex. It was like we were forced to live with each other and discover our own differences and similarities in the span of two months. The differences between us and Big Brother? We can go out of the house whenever we like, and there were no cameras that we know of (except for our phones, that we often use to take pictures and group chats on Facebook).

At Buda Castle grounds in Budapest, Hungary

Living with strangers is challenging and interesting at the same time. We don’t know each other’s behaviors and at first, it felt like walking on eggshells as we were still trying to figure out one another. But there are also people in the group that we immediately clicked with, like we knew each other forever.

Zurich Central Station in Switzerland.

We had trainings, demos and exams during weekdays but we got to travel around Europe during weekends. It’s not much time but we managed to make it work, albeit with tiny sacrifices.

There were times that we got on each other’s nerves, especially during our weekend escapades when we were only running on two to three hours of sleep on a bus (with just a square foot legroom) and a cup of coffee.

While waiting for our bus to Milan in Verona, Italy.

But the good times surpass all the not-so-good. Seeing lots of interesting and magnificent places is just a bonus. One thing that sure stuck with me is the experience of living in a foreign land with complete strangers and eventually building a bond that I am sure will stand the test of time. And when we’re old and gray, we can say to each other “We’ll always have Europe”, to refer to the whole two-month experience that would plant smiles to our faces that other people would never understand about us.

If I would be asked if I want to do everything all over again, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t change a thing even including our hunger-induced spats (and heartbreaks?), as those not-so-good stuff made this experience a lot better. 

Post Script

I can’t say that I haven’t seen these things coming. In fact, for the past couple of years I’ve been seeing it like a trailer of an upcoming season of a TV series that’s been long overdue. I’ve memorized all the scenes and dialogues. But why am I still caught off guard?

Maybe it’s human nature, or maybe it’s just me. That, I will never know.

I can perfectly recall I’ve asked you at least five times, and you’ve lied straight to my face (or through my phone?). I just don’t understand why’d you have to do it to me or with me. You said you cared, and I thought you were different. But sadly, I’ve been mistaken. I don’t know if I’ve been very trusting with you, or just plain gullible. That’s a thin line now that I can’t seem to distinguish.

I know I’m not the easiest person to be with, my friends and family can attest to that. But I’m not hard to be with either. You could’ve told me earlier, and I would’ve stayed away and saved myself from whatever this is I am dealing with right now. It is unfair that you kept me in the dark when I’ve begged for you to turn on the switch of this dingy tunnel that we’ve ended up in.

I am a fool but never stupid. But lately, I would rather be stupid than a fool. Because at least, I wouldn’t have to deal with myself and just blame it to plain stupidity. But no, I wasn’t stupid because I saw all the signs and I gladly rejected them with my rose-colored glasses and happily rode off my unicorn to the golden sunset.

Now I'm left behind picking up all the pieces of me that has been shattered, but don't you worry I've been in this position before and I am pretty sure I'll get out of this sooner than expected. Just one request though, let's not be friends. I know I said that we should just be, but obviously I was lying, because we were never friends and I don't think we'll ever be. 

And lastly, don’t think highly of yourself that I’m writing this blog entry because of you, this is more for me. Trust me on this. This is my way of finally saying goodbye to whatever we had. It’s been a great ride but reality kicks in and this roller coaster ride should be over, or else we'll be spinning in loops forever.

PS Thank you for finally letting me down in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, it helps. The city is so beautiful that I forget what I'm going through. Nice final move. I promise, no hard feelings, it wasn't all you nor me. It was a story co-written by the two of us. And just like how the year is coming to an end, I think that we should too.

Growing Up: On Grief and Moving On

How it feels like being 31? I feel totally the same yet totally different! In a way, I can say that I've done a lot of growing up since the last time I've written on this blog. So many things happened: new job, new friends, new experiences, got effed up in the chest, lost my grandfather and the list goes on. But considering everything, I still feel good about life.

When you've lost loved ones one too many by either death or they just chose to leave you behind, you get used to it. Not that I'm losing a loved one on a daily basis, but I think I cope up with loss easily now than before. I just think that they would be happier and free of pain wherever they may be, and that applies to persons who also chose to leave me behind. I won't sugarcoat it, it sucks being left behind, it really does. But that's just how this world works. It's either you leave or you get left behind. 

Losing loved ones, leave you with two choices, you can grieve for a moment and move on or just grieve for life. I am doing the first, for I know it's the best choice. It might be easy to just brood forever and blame the world for giving you people to love and have them taken away, and question your whole existence. But it is better to keep living and move on, it may be hard at first. It always is, but you'll get there eventually and you'll see that there are just so much to live for. 

As for the different kind of lost I've experienced, I just think that that person is happy wherever he is and I'll be happy too. No point of holding on to that person, when that person is squirming for you to let go. As for my current state of mind, I am truly grateful for all the things that happened, it taught me a lot of things. It showed me that I am capable of so many things if only I'll let myself. 

I would be lying if I'll say that that person doesn't cross my mind, but not as often as it used to. It only happens when I see something that will remind me of him and I catch myself smiling and that's just it. I am too stubborn to even admit to myself that I'm missing anyone, I have this Miss Independent persona engraved in my head. And when I feel that you don't miss me, never will I ever allow myself to miss you too. Newton's third law is my mantra, in every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. So please, if you want to get to know me keep that also in mind. 

To wrap this already long post, being in your 30s is hard if you like to think that way. But it can also be better, it's your choice.