Post Script

I can’t say that I haven’t seen these things coming. In fact, for the past couple of years I’ve been seeing it like a trailer of an upcoming season of a TV series that’s been long overdue. I’ve memorized all the scenes and dialogues. But why am I still caught off guard?

Maybe it’s human nature, or maybe it’s just me. That, I will never know.

I can perfectly recall I’ve asked you at least five times, and you’ve lied straight to my face (or through my phone?). I just don’t understand why’d you have to do it to me or with me. You said you cared, and I thought you were different. But sadly, I’ve been mistaken. I don’t know if I’ve been very trusting with you, or just plain gullible. That’s a thin line now that I can’t seem to distinguish.

I know I’m not the easiest person to be with, my friends and family can attest to that. But I’m not hard to be with either. You could’ve told me earlier, and I would’ve stayed away and saved myself from whatever this is I am dealing with right now. It is unfair that you kept me in the dark when I’ve begged for you to turn on the switch of this dingy tunnel that we’ve ended up in.

I am a fool but never stupid. But lately, I would rather be stupid than a fool. Because at least, I wouldn’t have to deal with myself and just blame it to plain stupidity. But no, I wasn’t stupid because I saw all the signs and I gladly rejected them with my rose-colored glasses and happily rode off my unicorn to the golden sunset.

Now I'm left behind picking up all the pieces of me that has been shattered, but don't you worry I've been in this position before and I am pretty sure I'll get out of this sooner than expected. Just one request though, let's not be friends. I know I said that we should just be, but obviously I was lying, because we were never friends and I don't think we'll ever be. 

And lastly, don’t think highly of yourself that I’m writing this blog entry because of you, this is more for me. Trust me on this. This is my way of finally saying goodbye to whatever we had. It’s been a great ride but reality kicks in and this roller coaster ride should be over, or else we'll be spinning in loops forever.

PS Thank you for finally letting me down in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, it helps. The city is so beautiful that I forget what I'm going through. Nice final move. I promise, no hard feelings, it wasn't all you nor me. It was a story co-written by the two of us. And just like how the year is coming to an end, I think that we should too.

I Thought You were Low Maintenance

What exactly does that mean? I've never thought of myself as a high maintenance woman, and neither a low maintenance one. For one, I don't want putting labels on a person, especially myself. I'm happy just being me. Then one night I was told this: "I thought you were low maintenance.". I didn't know how to react, I was torn between being complimented and insulted. Complimented because being a high maintenance woman means you are an alpha female and on top of your game, insulted because it could also mean that you are a bitch and you deserve a special place in hell. I'm exaggerating, but that's how I really felt that time.

There was a part of me during that dinner wanted to be rational, and so I asked him why he thought of me as a "not low maintenance". And his answers made me cringe during dinner, and made me guffaw when I got back in the comforts of my own bed that very night. 

"You look so put together."

Seriously? Mind you, I was only wearing a tee, tattered jeans and a jacket. But he said it wasn't those, but the accessories I chose that night. I wore a statement necklace (which I practically bought in a flee market but he didn't have to know that), the watch and the bag. I've no excuse for the bag and watch, I like to splurge a little every once in a while. 

"I want to be able to provide for my partner and you seem to be able to do that on your own."

Is this man guy for real? (I'm giving points to him for having an eye for details though.) I wasn't raised by my family to beg for the things that I want. I was raised to work hard for those things. And besides, we're not getting married, it's just a dinner, so chill the hell out.

"I want a woman who I can protect and take care of."

Whoa! It's not that I'm a princess and I need saving, I can take care of myself. Thank you very much. But it bugged me a lot. Am I not worth protecting or caring for? 

If he only knew, that all this is just a facade. I'm as messed up as the girl wearing sweats and her hair in a messy bun. I could be that girl if I wanted to, but I don't. Because for me, if I look good on the outside, I also feel good on the inside. 

And I don't have to feel guilty if I wanted to spoil myself a little. The right person won't mind and won't feel less of himself. I grew up with a strong line of empowered women in my family, none of the women in my family who doesn't have a career of her own. I'm not saying that women who chose to give up their careers for their family is not as strong, they're as strong and as brave having chosen that kind of commitment to their family. My point is, it's the 21st century and women can be whomever they want to be without being called a high or low maintenance.

It's safe to say that that dinner didn't merit a second one. I would rather have dinner by myself for the rest of my life than fussing on whether I look high maintenance or not. And to rub more salt to the wound, when he asked for the bill, I told him that we pay Dutch.